Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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