dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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