You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
