Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You are the jesus of drinking
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
