Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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