the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
