I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
