Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
