every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
