Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
