Cold hands, warm shart.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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