i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have fence marks all over my body
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
