Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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