Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
