why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
