Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
