shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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