Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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