What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
