All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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