I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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