she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
