I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
