I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
