I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
