It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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