I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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