She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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