he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
