I need to stop coming to work sober
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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