Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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