Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
