Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
