My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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