How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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