Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You left your phone here
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