Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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