I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
