He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Found the puke drawer
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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