Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
