Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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