look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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