just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Did I show you my penis last night?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize