Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
