all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
