I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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