Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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