He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
