you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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