Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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