if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
