I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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