everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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