my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
