Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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