yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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