I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
