it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Acid is not a monday night drug
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
