i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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